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| 02:30pm 30/11/2006 |
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Where were you when I was lonesome?
Locked away with freezing cold
Someone flying only stolen
I can't tell this light so old
I don't want to swim the ocean
I don't want to fight the tide
I don't want to swim forever
When it's cold I'd like to die
What was that my sweet sweet nothing?
I can't hear you through the fog
If I holler let me go
If I falter let me know
I don't want to swim forever
I don't want to fight the tide
I don't want to swim the ocean
When it's cold I'd like to die
I don't want to swim the ocean
I don't want to fight the tide |
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| YAY ME! |
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| 09:09pm 23/10/2006 |
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mood:  accomplished music: this shit will fuck you up - combichrist
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well i am now allegedly edumacated. an official b.s. in b.s; a degree in social psycho babble. i plan to use my new found learning for evil instead of good.
i have anxiously awaited the day i have a degree in mind fucking! |
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Read 1 - Post |
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| i wish i was little bit taller, i wish i was a baller... |
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| 01:32pm 26/06/2006 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: out of control - she wants revenge
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short of that there's not much else i would wish for.
again the happiest i have ever been and just seems to get better - never doubt that.
i am a bit bored with myself tho. not my life or the people in it; all are better than i could ever hope for. i have ideas and desires pent up and unable to release them either because i lack the time or the exact way.
i feel like a gay man in a republican body. |
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| "what else is there ?" |
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| 01:17pm 03/03/2006 |
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mood: accomplished music: royksopp
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this is the happiest i have ever been and the happiest i think i can ever be. i would have never imagined life would be this great for me. not that i don't deserve it but past experience tells me someone mixed up my life with someone else's.
when i ventured on this path almost nine years ago, i had no imagery of the future to attach it too and there is no way i could have ever imagined this. thank you. |
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| ur |
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| 04:32pm 11/01/2006 |
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mood:  loved
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sorry for the lack of originality. but in this case it could not be helped for it contains every metaphor i feel.
Wish I was a better man,
Wish I had a better plan for dealing with this
What am I, what am I to do now?
Maybe I should run away?
Maybe I could run away and never be found.
What am I, what am I to do?
The way I'm feeling
The dreams that I'm dreaming.
Can this really be happening?
Can this really be true?
Ur...
My love of my life,
My heart and my soul,
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.
I had this dream the other night,
I had this crazy dream the other night.
How have I? How have I arrived here.
Ur...
My heart is elated
But my head is exhausted
This is powerful magic
Can it really be true?
Ur...
My blood is in your blood,
My breathe is in your mouth.
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.
What about us? What about all the plans that we made?
What about all those careful plans?
Just careful plans we made up
Ah, nothing's clear.
Full of fear,
Full of hope,
Full of you.
My love of my life,
My hole in my soul,
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.
Ur...
My blood is in your blood,
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in. |
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| Ding! Fries Are Done! |
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| 01:58pm 19/12/2005 |
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mood:  silly music: me and guilani down by the school yard - !!!
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i think i'm always posting around this time of the year. i can't imagine why. sadly this year we are not going on a trip :(
because instead we are house poor. but we sure do have a pretty house! it's ok with me, but others are not taking it as well. i say as long as it doesn't become the norm. so in honor of having a beautiful house we will be hosting x-mas eve with mixed feelings. joy - for we will be in our own house and being with all the family. worried - that we might have a "national lampoon's christmas vacation" type situation on our hands(i already had a similar giant tree episode). anyhow what else are the holidays for if not to talk about them later. so we shall soon see.
another thing worth mentioning, i am 24 weeks away from graduatiing. i have turned in my graduation application and will walk in june. 15 hours and 24 weeks left. i'm just so anxious to get it over with! |
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| full circle |
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| 03:52pm 07/11/2005 |
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mood:  jubilant music: a pain i'm used to - depeche mode
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i am going to see depeche mode on wednesday. i'm so fucking excited!
i saw them 8 years ago and what an experience that was (the concert was great too). i went with a new friend at the time. we had just met and started being friends. now 8 great years later we are going again and taking her now 10 yr old kid who absolutely loves depeche mode. i guess i should feel old but i don't. with the current sea of talentless people like britney spears and company flood the market to prey on the young with hopes on infecting them before they know what taste is; this kid has risen above it and knows the difference between crap and art. she's an awesome kid! |
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| don't fool yourself; your not as open minded as you think you are |
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| 01:21pm 23/09/2005 |
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mood:  pissed off music: precious - depeche mode
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i signed on pissed about things that happen in your life; pissed that everyone in your life (even me at times) feel as though they know what's best for you or try to control your life; that some how you are a complete moron who has not a lick of sense. in my defense, it's not doubt but encouragement because i know your capable of great things and one of the smartest people i know. it pisses me off how many people you have in your life always tell you want to do, pass judgment on you, or take inappropriate action on your behalf as though they have that right.
it's a situation i can't understand because i'm allowed to make my own mistakes, i'm allowed to be my own person and decide for myself; something you pointed out to me long ago. your a fucking rock! you not only deal with it but are pleasant about it. you have strength like no one i have ever known. everyone else needs to just FUCK OFF!! |
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| "Swallowing words while giving head" |
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| 08:24pm 09/08/2005 |
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mood:  content music: 2 rights make 1 wrong - mogwai
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it's true kiddo's, don't believe what your parents or your guidance counselors tell you. your life will not be what or how you picture it. no matter how close you come to some resemblances of the image, it's not the same and if it is, it won't be for long. i’m not saying don’t expect too much, but rather expect deviation.
i am happy in my derailed journey. i appreciate the lessons i have learned (some i could have done without). the b version of my life is so different from the a but richer than i could have ever imagined. |
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| "The world is a vampire, sent to drain" |
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| 12:49pm 13/05/2005 |
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mood: disgusted music: decomposed - metallo & the fixer
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and the vampire's name is walmart. i will start by saying i have always hated walmart. i hate everything about it. do i shop there? sometimes, rarely, if it can be helped. but here's an observation i made the other day as i waited in the car waiting for my roommate who was inside shopping.
i watched the people who went in and out of the store. as always the usual clientele such as of course the rednecks, all nationalities of women with the 4 or more kids, guys with mullets and/or sporting the wife beaters, teenage boys with the pants under their ass attempting to disguise their skin color with their choice of fashion, and women in their hoochiest of clothes in hopes of catching a daddy for their babies at home. but here’s a population under looked, the obese. i have often noticed they have a good size overweight clientele. but on this night i counted the number of people i saw go in and the number that were overweight. i counted 95 people enter the store and 63 of them were FAT!. and I’m not talking 50 or 75 over weight (which is still bad), i mean 100+.
there’s a correlation there that has to go beyond the mcdonald’s inside. i can’t quiet grasp it yet but why not, walmart destroys everything in it’s range. |
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| how's the water |
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| 01:02pm 13/04/2005 |
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mood:  depressed music: can you guess
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all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
no tommorow, no tommorow
children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen
went to school and I was very nervous
no one knew me, no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me, look right through me
and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
that the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
i find it hard to tell you
cos I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world
mad world
mad world
mad world |
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| don't feed the moster |
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| 12:45pm 13/04/2005 |
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Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side
So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps
Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays
So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean
So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it
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| "that's right, said i think i'm losing my mind this time,this time i'm losing ,my mind" |
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| 05:19pm 03/03/2005 |
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mood:  cranky music: honour 2003 - vnv
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no i don't want hear how your kid made the cutest face, no i don't have to listen to how your kid talked back to you and you thought it was the funniest thing, no i dont have time to listen to just adorable message they left you on your voicemail, no i don't want to talk to them or entertain them. why do you assume i like kids, why do you assume i have the patience to tolerate you and your kids stories. i am a womn in her mid thirties that is not married and doesn't speak about one day being married. how is it the light bulb in your head doesn't go off and you put the pieces together that i must not want much less like the things you like. i don't live in your world and nor do i want to! |
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| "what would you say as the rain filled up your mind" |
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| 11:55pm 10/02/2005 |
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mood: crazy music: rain (vicious remix) - brainbug
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it's midnight and in the last 2 hours i have been obsessed with finding lyrics to a dance song, which means they're extemely meaningful lyrics.
please kick me in the head to unnumb my brain. |
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| try all you want |
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| 09:44pm 10/02/2005 |
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mood: thoughtful music: reptile - the church
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excuse me while i take a moment to myself. oh i'm sorry did you need to catch your breathe?
i went on vacation back in december, the week before x-mas. we will try not to do that again. san francisco was delicious. it was like being in seattle but more expensive and seemly more cultured (on the surface anyway). chinatown was an event. the shopping was great. I highly recommend it. just beware of china dynasty restaurant. i do plan to return soon. vegas was very unimpressive. gambling and bright lights, oh my…not. one of the few things we were interested in doing, was so freakin expensive and just can’t imagine why, when they’re all over. we wanted to see a show but at almost 100 each just wasn’t worth it when we had 5 more days of vacation to go. as fast as the people drive in la is just how fast we saw it. we drove on the freeway through town and straight to our hotel room. We saw the mattel building and that’s about it and i don’t feel bad about it, other than regretful that we should have just cut it out all together to spend another night in san francisco.
not only will i try not to go on vacation before the holidays, i will also try not to put off shopping till the very last (literally) minuet the stores are open till on the 24th.
so now the real fun began, house hunting. that was fun and I wasn’t even buying. needless to say, we found one and it’s so fucking cute! but now i’m in this limbo place, where i have to wait for the home owners to move out, my lease to end, plan movers, buy enough furniture to fill the rooms in the house and, and , and maintain everyday life. because, I didn’t already suck at math, i thought having a difficult incoherent teacher was what i needed to guarantee that I fail. fucking people with their doctorates. i don’t understand what good all that education is if you can’t apply it to humans. because, i don’t already do three jobs at my job my employer gave me the “no pressure but…. you need to be certified by the end of the year and well we would really like it if you could do in the next three months, ok?!” i’m stressed and my roommate is stressed so we make for a really fun company. my roommate found out she her company has been sold to another company that takes pleasure in torturing their employees. fun stuff! i don’t see things slowing down till maybe may.
so i wonder, am i happy because i’m too busy to know otherwise? or is it because i am busy and the reasons why i’m busy that make me happy?
"wish i knew what you were looking for, might have known what you would find” |
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| policy of truth |
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| 10:13pm 02/01/2005 |
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mood:  restless music: this fire - franz ferdinand
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i try my best to refrain from posting when in the heat of a moment. many times i log in ready to rant and express myself the best way i can but then i sit, think and ask myself, "do i really want to remember this moment?" most of the time the answer is no. |
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| OH MY! |
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| 12:52pm 14/12/2004 |
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mood:  giddy music: audioslave - like a stone
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it's been a while since posted any tales from my sleepy life. i actually have resisted posting any rants and grumblings, so without those there isn't anything remotely fun to tell. in my last post i went on about how happy i am, that hasn't changed. i've become numb to alot things that i can't change and it seems to work. the season has changed to winter , as winter as it can be in texas, so that adds to the bliss.
I will soon be going on my annual holiday vacation. we are going to las vegas, san francisco and la. we have no maps and no iterneraries other than to shop and get the hell out of austin for a week, yay! |
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| What is this happiness you speak of? |
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| 09:10am 15/10/2004 |
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mood: happy music: howard stern
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yes, surprisingly for the first in I can't even remember, i am in a happy place. it's the funniest thing too because i am stressed to capacity. i have overspent myself by trying to be handle school, the new job title and home life. i feel an odd calmness as though there is purpose insight to the madness.
also, i have never been someone about material possessions (and yes i have an ipod that i just can't live without so :P ) but i have never needed money to make me happy. however, this must be an age thing because if you notice on my list of stress's money was not one of them. i have finally reached a point where i don't have to stress about money and it's great. see i don't make lots of money so this backs up my non materialistic personality. i'm just finally in a place where i don't have to borrow any, i can afford to share with my loved ones and can travel.
speaking of traveling, the 928apt gang will be headed to vegas, san francisco, and la soon. looking forward to blowing some money in a real casino, maybe see a show, eating some authentic sea food and experiencing truly plastic people. |
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| no deposit, no return |
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| 11:01pm 09/08/2004 |
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mood:  anxious
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i feel the need to write to capture the rampid thoughts that are surging though my being
but only crap keeps coming out.
metaphor?
i feel capable of doing so much and yet i may have a life case of intestinal bowl syndrone. i am not a mushroom. i wish i was. |
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| deviance |
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| 04:30pm 03/08/2004 |
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mood:  cynical music: gay club music
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it's been a very long eight weeks. i just finished my first university online semester. i made a b in my abnormal psychology course and found out that i am more fucked up than i thought, with no possible sign of treatment. the key to treatment is that you gain insight to yourself and then are given tools that will readjust your behavior and thinking.
this course just reinforced things i already knew about myself. like what a fucked up head shrinker i will be if ever i get there. |
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crucifie_ame's journal