crucifié ame

crucifie_ame @ 2006-11-30T14:30:00

2006-11-30T19:30:22Z

Where were you when I was lonesome?
Locked away with freezing cold
Someone flying only stolen
I can't tell this light so old

I don't want to swim the ocean
I don't want to fight the tide
I don't want to swim forever
When it's cold I'd like to die

What was that my sweet sweet nothing?
I can't hear you through the fog
If I holler let me go
If I falter let me know

I don't want to swim forever
I don't want to fight the tide
I don't want to swim the ocean
When it's cold I'd like to die

I don't want to swim the ocean
I don't want to fight the tide

YAY ME!

2006-10-24T02:21:36Z

well i am now allegedly edumacated. an official b.s. in b.s; a degree in social psycho babble. i plan to use my new found learning for evil instead of good.
i have anxiously awaited the day i have a degree in mind fucking!

i wish i was little bit taller, i wish i was a baller...

2006-06-26T18:43:35Z

short of that there's not much else i would wish for.
again the happiest i have ever been and just seems to get better - never doubt that.

i am a bit bored with myself tho. not my life or the people in it; all are better than i could ever hope for. i have ideas and desires pent up and unable to release them either because i lack the time or the exact way.

i feel like a gay man in a republican body.

"what else is there ?"

2006-03-03T19:31:20Z

this is the happiest i have ever been and the happiest i think i can ever be. i would have never imagined life would be this great for me. not that i don't deserve it but past experience tells me someone mixed up my life with someone else's.

when i ventured on this path almost nine years ago, i had no imagery of the future to attach it too and there is no way i could have ever imagined this. thank you.

ur

2006-01-11T22:36:00Z

sorry for the lack of originality. but in this case it could not be helped for it contains every metaphor i feel.

Wish I was a better man,
Wish I had a better plan for dealing with this
What am I, what am I to do now?

Maybe I should run away?
Maybe I could run away and never be found.
What am I, what am I to do?

The way I'm feeling
The dreams that I'm dreaming.
Can this really be happening?
Can this really be true?

Ur...

My love of my life,
My heart and my soul,
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.

I had this dream the other night,
I had this crazy dream the other night.
How have I? How have I arrived here.

Ur...

My heart is elated
But my head is exhausted
This is powerful magic
Can it really be true?

Ur...

My blood is in your blood,
My breathe is in your mouth.
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.

What about us? What about all the plans that we made?
What about all those careful plans?
Just careful plans we made up
Ah, nothing's clear.

Full of fear,
Full of hope,
Full of you.

My love of my life,
My hole in my soul,
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.

Ur...

My blood is in your blood,
Just trying to keep the world from smashing, crashing in.

Ding! Fries Are Done!

2005-12-19T19:58:18Z

i think i'm always posting around this time of the year. i can't imagine why. sadly this year we are not going on a trip :(
because instead we are house poor. but we sure do have a pretty house! it's ok with me, but others are not taking it as well. i say as long as it doesn't become the norm. so in honor of having a beautiful house we will be hosting x-mas eve with mixed feelings. joy - for we will be in our own house and being with all the family. worried - that we might have a "national lampoon's christmas vacation" type situation on our hands(i already had a similar giant tree episode). anyhow what else are the holidays for if not to talk about them later. so we shall soon see.

another thing worth mentioning, i am 24 weeks away from graduatiing. i have turned in my graduation application and will walk in june. 15 hours and 24 weeks left. i'm just so anxious to get it over with!

full circle

2005-11-07T22:13:47Z

i am going to see depeche mode on wednesday. i'm so fucking excited!

i saw them 8 years ago and what an experience that was (the concert was great too). i went with a new friend at the time. we had just met and started being friends. now 8 great years later we are going again and taking her now 10 yr old kid who absolutely loves depeche mode. i guess i should feel old but i don't. with the current sea of talentless people like britney spears and company flood the market to prey on the young with hopes on infecting them before they know what taste is; this kid has risen above it and knows the difference between crap and art. she's an awesome kid!

don't fool yourself; your not as open minded as you think you are

2005-09-23T18:26:59Z

i signed on pissed about things that happen in your life; pissed that everyone in your life (even me at times) feel as though they know what's best for you or try to control your life; that some how you are a complete moron who has not a lick of sense. in my defense, it's not doubt but encouragement because i know your capable of great things and one of the smartest people i know. it pisses me off how many people you have in your life always tell you want to do, pass judgment on you, or take inappropriate action on your behalf as though they have that right.

it's a situation i can't understand because i'm allowed to make my own mistakes, i'm allowed to be my own person and decide for myself; something you pointed out to me long ago. your a fucking rock! you not only deal with it but are pleasant about it. you have strength like no one i have ever known. everyone else needs to just FUCK OFF!!

"Swallowing words while giving head"

2005-08-10T01:47:57Z

it's true kiddo's, don't believe what your parents or your guidance counselors tell you. your life will not be what or how you picture it. no matter how close you come to some resemblances of the image, it's not the same and if it is, it won't be for long. i’m not saying don’t expect too much, but rather expect deviation.

i am happy in my derailed journey. i appreciate the lessons i have learned (some i could have done without). the b version of my life is so different from the a but richer than i could have ever imagined.

"The world is a vampire, sent to drain"

2005-05-13T18:19:36Z

and the vampire's name is walmart. i will start by saying i have always hated walmart. i hate everything about it. do i shop there? sometimes, rarely, if it can be helped. but here's an observation i made the other day as i waited in the car waiting for my roommate who was inside shopping.

i watched the people who went in and out of the store. as always the usual clientele such as of course the rednecks, all nationalities of women with the 4 or more kids, guys with mullets and/or sporting the wife beaters, teenage boys with the pants under their ass attempting to disguise their skin color with their choice of fashion, and women in their hoochiest of clothes in hopes of catching a daddy for their babies at home. but here’s a population under looked, the obese. i have often noticed they have a good size overweight clientele. but on this night i counted the number of people i saw go in and the number that were overweight. i counted 95 people enter the store and 63 of them were FAT!. and I’m not talking 50 or 75 over weight (which is still bad), i mean 100+.

there’s a correlation there that has to go beyond the mcdonald’s inside. i can’t quiet grasp it yet but why not, walmart destroys everything in it’s range.

how's the water

2005-04-13T18:11:28Z

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
bright and early for their daily races
going nowhere, going nowhere
and their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression, no expression
hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
no tommorow, no tommorow

children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday, happy birthday
made to feel the way that every child should
sit and listen, sit and listen
went to school and I was very nervous
no one knew me, no one knew me
hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me, look right through me

and I find it kind of funny
i find it kind of sad
that the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had

i find it hard to tell you
cos I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
it's a very, very
mad world
mad world
mad world
mad world

don't feed the moster

2005-04-13T17:50:42Z

Where do I take this pain of mine
I run but it stays right by my side

So tear me open and pour me out
There's things inside that scream and shout
And the pain still hates me
So hold me until it sleeps

Just like the curse, just like the stray
You feed it once and now it stays
Now it stays

So tear me open but beware
There's things inside without a care
And the dirt still stains me
So wash me until I'm clean

So tell me why you've chosen me
Don't want your grip
Don't want your greed
Don't want it

"that's right, said i think i'm losing my mind this time,this time i'm losing ,my mind"

2005-03-03T23:28:58Z

no i don't want hear how your kid made the cutest face, no i don't have to listen to how your kid talked back to you and you thought it was the funniest thing, no i dont have time to listen to just adorable message they left you on your voicemail, no i don't want to talk to them or entertain them. why do you assume i like kids, why do you assume i have the patience to tolerate you and your kids stories. i am a womn in her mid thirties that is not married and doesn't speak about one day being married. how is it the light bulb in your head doesn't go off and you put the pieces together that i must not want much less like the things you like. i don't live in your world and nor do i want to!

"what would you say as the rain filled up your mind"

2005-02-11T06:00:12Z

it's midnight and in the last 2 hours i have been obsessed with finding lyrics to a dance song, which means they're extemely meaningful lyrics.
please kick me in the head to unnumb my brain.

try all you want

2005-02-11T04:43:41Z

excuse me while i take a moment to myself. oh i'm sorry did you need to catch your breathe?

i went on vacation back in december, the week before x-mas. we will try not to do that again. san francisco was delicious. it was like being in seattle but more expensive and seemly more cultured (on the surface anyway). chinatown was an event. the shopping was great. I highly recommend it. just beware of china dynasty restaurant. i do plan to return soon. vegas was very unimpressive. gambling and bright lights, oh my…not. one of the few things we were interested in doing, was so freakin expensive and just can’t imagine why, when they’re all over. we wanted to see a show but at almost 100 each just wasn’t worth it when we had 5 more days of vacation to go. as fast as the people drive in la is just how fast we saw it. we drove on the freeway through town and straight to our hotel room. We saw the mattel building and that’s about it and i don’t feel bad about it, other than regretful that we should have just cut it out all together to spend another night in san francisco.

not only will i try not to go on vacation before the holidays, i will also try not to put off shopping till the very last (literally) minuet the stores are open till on the 24th.
so now the real fun began, house hunting. that was fun and I wasn’t even buying. needless to say, we found one and it’s so fucking cute! but now i’m in this limbo place, where i have to wait for the home owners to move out, my lease to end, plan movers, buy enough furniture to fill the rooms in the house and, and , and maintain everyday life. because, I didn’t already suck at math, i thought having a difficult incoherent teacher was what i needed to guarantee that I fail. fucking people with their doctorates. i don’t understand what good all that education is if you can’t apply it to humans. because, i don’t already do three jobs at my job my employer gave me the “no pressure but…. you need to be certified by the end of the year and well we would really like it if you could do in the next three months, ok?!” i’m stressed and my roommate is stressed so we make for a really fun company. my roommate found out she her company has been sold to another company that takes pleasure in torturing their employees. fun stuff! i don’t see things slowing down till maybe may.

so i wonder, am i happy because i’m too busy to know otherwise? or is it because i am busy and the reasons why i’m busy that make me happy?

"wish i knew what you were looking for, might have known what you would find”

policy of truth

2005-01-03T04:28:10Z

i try my best to refrain from posting when in the heat of a moment. many times i log in ready to rant and express myself the best way i can but then i sit, think and ask myself, "do i really want to remember this moment?" most of the time the answer is no.

OH MY!

2004-12-14T19:08:16Z

it's been a while since posted any tales from my sleepy life. i actually have resisted posting any rants and grumblings, so without those there isn't anything remotely fun to tell. in my last post i went on about how happy i am, that hasn't changed. i've become numb to alot things that i can't change and it seems to work. the season has changed to winter , as winter as it can be in texas, so that adds to the bliss.

I will soon be going on my annual holiday vacation. we are going to las vegas, san francisco and la. we have no maps and no iterneraries other than to shop and get the hell out of austin for a week, yay!

What is this happiness you speak of?

2004-10-15T14:15:26Z

yes, surprisingly for the first in I can't even remember, i am in a happy place. it's the funniest thing too because i am stressed to capacity. i have overspent myself by trying to be handle school, the new job title and home life. i feel an odd calmness as though there is purpose insight to the madness.

also, i have never been someone about material possessions (and yes i have an ipod that i just can't live without so :P ) but i have never needed money to make me happy. however, this must be an age thing because if you notice on my list of stress's money was not one of them. i have finally reached a point where i don't have to stress about money and it's great. see i don't make lots of money so this backs up my non materialistic personality. i'm just finally in a place where i don't have to borrow any, i can afford to share with my loved ones and can travel.

speaking of traveling, the 928apt gang will be headed to vegas, san francisco, and la soon. looking forward to blowing some money in a real casino, maybe see a show, eating some authentic sea food and experiencing truly plastic people.

no deposit, no return

2004-08-10T04:07:03Z

i feel the need to write to capture the rampid thoughts that are surging though my being
but only crap keeps coming out.

metaphor?

i feel capable of doing so much and yet i may have a life case of intestinal bowl syndrone. i am not a mushroom. i wish i was.

deviance

2004-08-03T21:43:16Z

it's been a very long eight weeks. i just finished my first university online semester. i made a b in my abnormal psychology course and found out that i am more fucked up than i thought, with no possible sign of treatment. the key to treatment is that you gain insight to yourself and then are given tools that will readjust your behavior and thinking.

this course just reinforced things i already knew about myself. like what a fucked up head shrinker i will be if ever i get there.

PMS

2004-07-08T15:09:27Z

nothing profound to say or update. i am stressed. money, time, patience, attention are all things i have so little of and now i have cramps.

"music history"

2004-05-20T16:08:13Z

i once saw one of those vh-1 shows, i think it was a piece on music in th 90's. there was an interview with the singer of smash mouth (*rolls eyes* yes i know) in which he says he was tired of all the herorine chic, angry, angsty, political statement music that was being made in the early 90's; another words grunge. he wanted to make happy, feel good, party music. and so he did. but in the interview he never called his music what it was. which was the same as what had always been around and always semi-popular with other mindless, brain dead, lazy dumbasses...pop. i'm sure that's just too queer for men to say about themselves.

congrads! to him and all the others that made the happy, music they wanted to make.

but who is it that has a celebrated anniversary every year? who's music is still played (and some parts in still in heavy rotation)? who is in music museums around the world?

every year when people look back and reflect on kurt cobain's life and death, it's not only a reflection of just him and nervana but of all the bands during that period. these bands still receive respect and admiration from genuine music lovers.

so while smash mouth and others like them were anxious for good times and 15 minuets of fame, these bands will have decades of fame and respect.

who comes to your mind when you here the words "music history" ?

and your point is..........

2004-05-19T20:27:20Z

recently in austin there has been a sort of promotion blitz on the following book A Million Little Pieces by James Frey

it's supposely is a autobiography about the author's past drug addiction, the crime he commited and his recovery process. of course my first questions are: who are, why do i care and how is this different from any other drug addiction/recovery book?

from an interview on a local news station

Q: How is your book different from others that romanticize drug and alcohol addictions?

A: I’ve read a lot of books about addiction and about drug treatment and I don’t think I’ve
ever really read a book or seen a film or a television show that I found to be very
honest or realistic about the situation. People who go through the drug treatment are usually
exceedingly sick, unstable, unhappy people who live very brutal, awful lives. And that’s what
my life was like and that was my experience. And I try to write about it as honestly and
directly as I could. The book is fairly graphic, it’s very direct, it’s very blunt, it’s
very potentially depressing, but I think it is also redeeming. You know there’s hope.
What’s it about? It’s about getting better, it’s about love, it’s about friends and family.

so my next set of questions are: who are, why do i care and how is this different from any other drug addiction/recovery book? All the interviews he has given and i still have those questions.

i would love to write a book on my life. not wanted by parents, drug addicted parent, exposure to homosexuality, my own drug related stories, sexual abuse, living in rat infested poverty. writing my story might do me good. it might be good therapy and i have thought about it. so this may sound like sour grapes but then i think to myself who am i, why would anybody care and how is this different from any other drug addiction/life gets better book? it's a bit arrogant and self indulgent to assume someone would buy a book about someone not famous, with a story that has been told before.

crucifie_ame @ 2004-05-17T10:48:00

2004-05-17T15:57:38Z

i'm in this wierd period right now where i have so much to say, so much inside to reveal. i want to comment on all my observations, journalize my thoughts and perspectives, make commentary on the personal life and world events.
but i can't organize a thought.
i can't focus on just one thing.
call it temporary adult A.D.D.
but it's a strain
and i can't shake it.

to those that wait, not all good things will come

2004-04-14T22:14:09Z

all is calm after my second attempt in 6 months to shake up my life up. again i failed at trying to make change, make something happen, make reactions, make new beginings, make the old go away, make something anything just make "it"!! (bjorks'- play dead plays in the background) but i am now happy to inform all i have returned to my life/sleep, less me than before, less driven than before, more numb than before, more complacent than before. everyone just loves that me, so that's the me i will be.

in other news i went to seattle in march and again it was as though i awaken from my life/sleep. (wow, as I write this sentence sandrium is played on my ipod which is on random play...eerie) we get there and i feel at home. i'm so relaxed, comfortable, my soul feels uninhibited. the air from pacific ocean is like a drug, my eyes are enlarged, eager to see everything and all my other sense are heightened. the gray overcast skies brought a fixed smile to my face. we did the touristy things but we could have done nothing and i would have been just as happy. there was a bonus to this bliss..... it was shared.

the roomy's kid was non-stop. she wanted to be out and around the city. this kid loves the whole hotel experience but she didn't want to be in the room. she wanted to be out seeing the town. it was great. she was very cranky the day we had to leave. so if we didn't know how much she liked before she made obvious that day. (conjure one - redemption) she was soo feeling the whole seattle scene. she was listening and liking grunge, which is still played in heavy rotation, she had her knit cap, and was drinking starbucks everytime we stopped. she had milk of course, but she wanted to have the logo'd cup and be part of the scene. our hotel offered a space needle view. my roommate used her famous name to charm the hotel people into giving us one of those rooms. it was gorgeous. the beautiful lights at night were captivating. i think we all stood there at least once every night and stared at the view. again, i would have been happy with just the view we had last time which was of downtown. i think we drove around town more on this trip. we found the asian district. it was just a mixture of every possible asian nationality. i found it to be very interesting. while driving we discovered that seattle has a high homeless population. they squatted anywhere and everywhere they pleased. we found it odd in a town that was full of people that were granola eating, bush hating, protested like a gardening hobby, tree huggers. this town is very wealthy due to the large corporations that headquarter there and so we just couldn't understand why there were sooooo many homeless people.

we came back and i had to deal with the stir i made. i was glad we had gone to seattle first. i don't think there would have been the same outcome otherwise. also upon returning, i received an email from the school i had been trying to get in to for past 6 months. the email was to inform me of thety had completed a transcript audit and updated my academic status. i was finally in and so there was one change about to take place. seems as though the change in my life moves at a snails pace. which is not indicative to the type of person i am when it comes to my life.

the comment was made to me while we were in seattle that the 'romance' of place would go away once you live there becuase it would be the same ole day in day out routine. i see that point but can not agree with it completely. when i think of seattle or the times i have been there, i have vision. i can see that i might have a future. something i do not see in the current geographical location. i've always had trouble seeing a future.... my future. (lou reed - perfect day)